If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
