It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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