Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
