So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
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did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
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I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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