I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
