Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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