i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
