Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
