Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
