i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
How does it feel to date your dad?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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