apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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