Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
this hospital has no fireball
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
