just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
