So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this just has baby written all over it
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
