he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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