Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
