Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
