Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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