I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
