she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
