I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i wish my penis had a tongue
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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