do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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