Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
