Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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