Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
