I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
