yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
