I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Randomize
