are you still at the devil's house?
some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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