So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Randomize
