Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
