I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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