You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
