I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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