Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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