There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
