Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
