i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
