help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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