you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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