I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
