can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
