It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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