I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Randomize
