I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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