Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
