I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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