I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
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The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
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After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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