Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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