i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
