I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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