I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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