Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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