apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
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He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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