THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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