Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want nice things and good sex
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
