Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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