I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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