Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
