If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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